In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
