the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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