I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
