he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize