I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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