tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I could make wine with my vomit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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