I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
