I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
zippers are such a cool invention
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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