I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
