Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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