I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
