I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
