Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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