Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
