So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
