I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
