Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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