Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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