I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize