Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
