I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize