The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
