I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this just has baby written all over it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
