i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
