hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
