I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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