I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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