Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
