I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
