Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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