I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
