he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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