i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
cat food counts as protein by the way
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
