Need sex. Gaining weight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
