2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
