i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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