like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
