break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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