I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
