As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
