I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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