I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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