I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
