Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
