You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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