Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
