We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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