My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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