Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
