If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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