Buhtt sex?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
