he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
