Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
