Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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