I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
