i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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