I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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