It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
