WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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